night
i took out my wisdom teeth yesterday.. i was really anxious about it because i'm pulling out 3!! prior, i took out just one and it was super duper excruciating.. for the very first time, i walked from my house to the dental surgeon, and i really enjoyed it.. the afternoon was beautiful, the air filled with delicious food.. i took a nice long stroll there, and i don't know i guess i feel liberated.. it's nice to have your afternoons free from the daily mundane activities..at night after i reached home, i felt really nauseous and dizzy.. kept sleeping, and waking up almost like i'm stuck in a virtual world of drunkenness.. i keep thinking about taking a long drive to ventura county.. where i took her to see the cross.. it was a beautiful long drive.. with a beautiful sight to behold..
see the weird thing about losing her is that, i feel numb to the pain right now.. it's like whatever.. nothing i can do that will make her change her mind.. and i'm just moving on with my life.. throwing away all we ever had.. i guess that's the best way to move on.. at first i thought i was unfair.. but i realized i was standing up for what i wanted.. i love her.. but she has to make the next move and tell me she doesn't mind.. it's ironic that my first journal entry about us is the fear of the geographical distance and how it would eventually segregate us.. and it came true..
selective memories..
as i sit in my chair at work today, working through the millions of numbers.. my heart grew weary, and i felt really sad.. the thought of us no longer together made me really upset.. and i knew the reason why, it's because they're planning a thanksgiving luncheon today at my office, and whenever there's something new in my life, or something interesting, i always think of sharing it to her.. i don't know why but i just can't open up to anyone else..and then i started asking myself why is it that i cannot forget her? it's been close to 3 years since we broke up.. we were probably together for around the same duration too.. so why am i this weakling who just refuses to move on? and i realized that i've been keeping all the good memories of us.. if you ask me about her, i won't talk about the quarrels we had.. or the times when i felt she didn't really love me.. i'd remember the beautiful days we had together.. the countless meals we had.. the laughters we shared.. the movies we watched together.. the love we had for one another.. and of course i can't move on..
i realized that when i talk to her.. she's always filled with bitterness.. of how i treated her.. like how i never ask how she is.. or how i never contact her.. or how i'm never there for her.. and everything that i did for her when we're together doesn't count anymore.. what matters was what happened in the past 3 years when we're not together.. that's why it's so much easier for her to move on.. honestly i can't remember the days when we quarreled a lot.. all i could remember was how tender her love for me was.. and that's becoming my achilles heel in this whole situation, immobilizing me from moving on..
i'm just telling myself every day that she's happier now than she could ever be with me.. given whatever years i've given her, could never amount to what she is experiencing with him during this short duration of time.. and i just relent myself to life.. how ironic it is that i spend almost the entire of my university days with her.. i don't even have any friends of my own.. cause we're always hanging out with her friends.. but when we broke up, and recently she mentioned that she feels like she didn't even study in the US.. how does that make me feel? probably nothing to her.. until now she never has appreciated what i did for her.. she looked at it as some easy thing.. all my friends now are people i met after we drifted.. had it not been for that, i'd still be friendless and i wouldn't know anyone..
does that ever stop me from loving her? never.. despite what i know my life was with her.. i still loved her.. only she could make me feel like a little boy in a candy store..
surrealism
it's 7:49pm my side, and 11:49am your side.. i guess as much as i didn't realize it, we've really drifted apart.. not knowing the condition of your heart, really killed us.. sitting on my bed, looking out the window onto the empty streets, dimly lit by the streetlamps, and listening to emo-music, really got my emotions running..i told myself earlier that we all have a choice of how we're going to feel when we get up out of the bed.. we could either be sad, or happy.. and i chose to be sad.. every single time without fail.. i wish i could just run away, and never come back.. i don't know where to.. but just far far away.. you know those cheesy lines people always used to say? "it makes sense to marry someone you can live with, but it is crazy to not marry someone you can't live without".. and it's one of those things that's keeping me in this loop.. she's been a huge part of my life.. in my mind, in my heart for such a long time.. nobody could ever come close to taking her place.. but now i feel like i have to.. i just have to let go.. there's no other choice but to let go..
late night..
as i was being driven back home tonight, i looked at the downtown cityscape, and it was a beautiful night.. but all i could think of was how we spent all of our days in almost every place in downtown.. i looked at medici, and i remembered how i'd wait for her in the mornings to go to school together.. park at the shrine, and then walk to school feeling all cold.. how i'd wait for her at the sidegate when we're going out.. how i'd go up to her place and eat dinner with her family.. how she'd be wearing her red usc tshirt, and her glasses, and how she'd be prancing around the house happy that i was there with her..how in the middle of the night, we would get hungry and order tg express, and could never finish any of it.. and then we'd have it for breakfast the next day.. how we'd just think of driving to the east and drink ice lemon tea.. how she loves ramayani and we actually went there like 3-4 times in a row spending about 36 dollars on her favourite ayam bakar, kangkong balacan, and pineapple fried rice.. how she always rushes in before me, and runs into the house.. and then she'd lay out the food, and start eating as we watch the hongkong tapes she borrowed..
how i lie awake at nights watching her sleep, and she doesn't know about it.. how i love the smell of her hair.. how i love the warmth of her body against mine.. how i love the way she looks like in the morning when she wakes up..
all that from a short drive.. how pathetic am i.. well i'm trying my best to move on.. this is my best effort..
it feels surreal to me in a way.. like this would never happen.. i guess i've just never thought of her actually not loving me.. not that i'm taking her for granted.. but i couldn't actually picture myself not loving her.. ever since i watched the notebook, i just felt that she was my allie..
but life has to move on.. however hard it is for me to pack up my stuff and leave from us.. i'm still sad i have to leave, because i don't want you to ever come back and not find me there.. but i can't live my life like this.. i'm in too much pain to function.. i know you're happy now.. and it's time for me to find my own happiness.. this is where the road ends.
what's it going to take..
i didn't realize it but the seasons have passed me by so quickly.. it's already winter again now.. and still here i am..i want to take a long easy stroll along central park, with the leaves falling, and with the hustle and bustle of the city.. and just stand still.. and then at night, there will be horse carriages that sits waiting for passengers.. softly illuminated by the evening lampposts..
in this busy city, filled with millions of people, you'd think it'd be easy to find someone with the same heartbeat as you.. but no.. sitting idly on my chair waiting for the time to pass, i just let my mind wander off.. i hope with time this heartache will pass too..
i think it's time for me to put a stop to my fantasy.. and move on.. she's never going to say that to me.. because i was right.. i wasn't the one..
God is my strength, my fortress of refuge
Maria ShandyTerima Kasih
Verse:
Setiap janjiMu Tuhan
Kusimpan dalam lubuk hatiku
Lewati setiap masalah
Tiap tetes air mata dalam hidupku
JanjiMu menopang hidupku
KasihMu menuntun langkahku
Dalam setiap waktu
Penolongku yang aku percaya
Chorus:
Terima kasih buat kasih setiaMu
PenyertaanMu sempurna
JanjiMu tak pernah terlambat menolongku
Terima kasih kuberterima kasih
Buat kasih setiaMu
Didalam hidupku
letting go... ...
all of a sudden, i had this thought.. 10 years from today, when i'm already much much older.. would i look back on this day and wished things were different.. would i still feel as strongly towards her as i do now?it's pretty startling, but i realized that throughout my relationship with p, i never wrote this much about how much i wanted her back after we broke up.. it just kinda dawned on me that things were better that way.. but with s, it's just very different.. because i actually pictured having that house, with our children running around, with her making breakfast, and then giving me a hug and kiss in the morning.. and we'd sit down to watch the news together.. watch hongkong tapes when we're free.. go to random restaurants just to get our favourite drinks.. and then we'd go through trials and tribulations together.. cry and laugh as one.. and then finally grow old in each other's arms.. i kept having that mental picture in my mind..
that picture though seems to be getting further and further away from me.. and try as i might to move on.. to forget her, it's just really hard..
letting go...
why's letting go so hard to do? if it was yours to begin with, maybe it would make more sense that it's so hard. but what if it wasn't even yours to begin with? we can read all the books in the world, we can comprehend all the theories the world has to offer, we can be as philosophical as we want to be, we can be as mature as we want to.. but when it comes to relationships, we are like small little children who's trying to grow up, making mistakes and growing up..in terms of dealing with the person you really love.. it's hard not to be emotional.. maybe at least for me.. i wish i could just snap my fingers and let go.. but i really want her back.. and it sucks that she's so far away, and i can't even get to see her.. to talk to her face to face, and.. sigh.. i'm talking like as if she wants to see me.. like as if she's even willing to have that conversation with me..
the things she told me about him.. he might be the one.. he's athletic.. he can take care of her.. are enough to kill me.. as i look back on my relationship with her.. i'm not much of a spiritual mentor to her, and i've really failed to lead our relationship in the path that God wanted us to.. in everything that i could fail, i've failed.. which is really sad..
they say love is all about taking chances, taking risks.. i wish i'd taken mine right to the very edge.. it's not easy finding someone you can connect with.. or someone you can have that comfortable feeling with.. and i gave all of it up, because i thought i was doing the right thing.. why couldn't i have taken the chance that she might be happy with me in indonesia after all? even though, yes, things seem impossible.. and yes she never actually told me that she doesn't care where or how, as long as she's with me, she'll be happy..
that in itself should have been an indication that she wasn't feeling secure about our future.. had i treated her the way she wanted me to, things would have been different.. it's all too little too late now.. and i read somewhere that we're given eyes at the front of our head, because we're supposed to look forward, and not backwards.. lately though, i found myself looking backwards a lot..
it's affecting every facet of my life.. i can't concentrate when i'm supposed to.. i can't sleep well.. i wake up with cold chills.. i feel depressed all the time.. it's just terrible.. and it sucks.. because i can't be given that second chance..
heaven..
why is it that i am so weak emotionally? this has been going on for almost 3 years, and yet it cuts me like as if it just happened yesterday.. when i close my eyes, i can still see us together.. walking through the school compound, going to cafe 84 together, going to classes.. i even remembered the time when you were sneezing so badly in Marshall, and i ran out to get tissue for you or medicine.. i can still remember the first time we met in that orientation room.. our first outing together to santa monica pier, and to the grove..why does my memory still remember every single detail of our relationship? it's refusing to let go.. when you're already so far away.. for me to even catch a hold of you.. i could still remember that birthday i had where you were not a part of it.. and you were so upset.. i couldn't concentrate the whole night.. i realized i made a huge mistake.. that i never want to make you feel like that.. and ever since then, i could never ever date someone else again.. because i don't want you to feel like that..
maybe it's a bit oxymoronic you think, why if i love you so much, did i let you go? am i a psycho? do i like to control things? i guess the answer is really up to your own interpretation.. i know what i did was out of love.. had i not let you go, you would not have had the capacity to think for yourself.. you see the thing is not that we don't love one another.. it's not that i still want to look around for other girls.. i know you're someone i can't live without and can spend the rest of my life with.. to grow old with and to hold you in my arms till my dying breath.. the problem is are you going to be all right giving up your dreams, giving up your life to be with me in another country? i know it's near, but it's going to be really different than what you might think..
i wanted to let you have that space, have that independence to really figure out if this is what you wanted.. and now you turn it all around saying it's my fault and that i'm crap.. i do agree i'm not the 100% nicest boyfriend to you, but i truly love you, and i hope you were able to feel that..
i can't explain or even begin to try and pen down how my heart breaks when i received that piece of information from you.. it just hurts so much.. i really want you back.. i want to put everything down and fly there just to fight for you.. but you're gone.. ="(
you're my guardian angel...
i wanted to write this to you.. wanted to let you know how you've been such a gift from God to me..the thought of having you, the thought of you alone seems to give me strength and energy that covers me for the entire day.. that gives me the drive to finish whatever it is i have in my plate.. i've never realized it before, because i've always had you by my side.. but the thought of having your ever so faithful love behind me really gives me the peace of mind and assurance that i need to function throughout my day..
at the time when i needed a bible the most, and was wondering what bible i should get, you surprised me with a bible that is simply the best bible i could ever want.. it's very informative, and has been such a blessing to me..
when i was unsure if i should take on drumming to help out at church, you bought me rock band, which not only rocked my world, but also taught me that i could pick up drumming if i put my mind to it.. because of your gift, i realized that i have the ability to learn it, and i started to pick up drumming..
being with you has really made me realize that you're my guardian angel, always watching out for me, caring for me, loving me.. despite all the quarrels we had, you were always there for me.. i definitely do not deserve you.. but i love you..
i've been meaning to tell you this, but it'll only break my heart more knowing your response to this.. whatever i say at this point is futile, and you've already moved forward with your life, while i'm still sitting amidst the memories of us.. i wish i could let go, but this place is so sacred to me.. and i don't want to let it go for fear that you might want to come back to it, and not find me there.. i'll stay for as long as my breaking heart allows me to.. i love you..
...
every day.. every day i wake up, i feel this pang of pain right through my heart.. feels like something's tearing up my heart slowly, but surely.. because i know you're no longer mine..i force myself to put you away from my mind, and to focus on the day that's right in front of me.. and maybe i succeed.. the drive to work is always comforting because i'm on the move, like i'm running away.. and then once i stop, my mind will let you in again.. it just has been like this on and off for the longest time i could possibly remember..
i go through the day like a living zombie.. sometimes i'm somewhere but my mind is with you.. it really hurts.. and i can't do anything about it.. because it's done. over.
no second chance. no rewinding time. no wishing things had happened differently.
sadness is a friend by now
as i woke up today, like almost any other days (except i have time to blog today), i feel empty, sad, anxious, and generally depressed. i used to wake up every morning looking forward to a new day, but now i just want to curl myself up in bed, and be alone..it's really hard to move on when you know how much you feel for that person.. when you close your eyes, and all you see are everything you used to do with that person.. i can still remember the day i stayed over.. the look on your face when you had to part with me.. the excitement you bring when you knew i was coming.. the first quarrel we had at the carpark near ur old dorm.. the time when you fell off my bike.. the time when we took our first campus cruiser.. the nights when i send you home, and go back home wishing you could be with me..
loneliness and sadness have become part of my daily lives now.. i don't know why but i just still remember all of these.. because i guess you really meant a lot to me.. i hope you're happy.. which i'm sure you are.. anything's better than me..
a place of refuge..
i find myself blogging more than ever in times of despair.. i guess i've never felt like this in the past couple of years, and i just forgot how it feels like to feel like this..it seems to me that this is my safe haven of peace, and comfort.. where i can just say what i want to say, and feel like somebody understands me.. as i lay on my bed, thinking about my day, i just feel so awake and acutely aware of my surrounding..
i miss her a lot.. i want to contact her so many times today, but i kept restraining myself.. i guess i just can't believe that she's attached to somebody else and building a life together with someone else, and she's done. she's happy with him, and she's truly moving on.. i know being like this is not right, i'm just going to make myself mental if i continue being like this.. like a crazy person.. i guess that's what happens when you're out of love, you got to move on else you'd be the crazy dude left behind..
i don't just miss the comfort of us being together.. you're selling me short here.. it kills me to let you go, but i am, i'm letting you go.. what am i to do? you said you just can't be with me anymore.. you can't go back to the way things were, like they're bad beyond measure..
trust me this is not what you want..
we've been together for what seemed to me, an eternity.. i've never thought of spending my life with someone else.. i did find solace in another's company right after we broke up, but when i saw how much that hurts you, i realized i never want to see you hurt in that way..i hope that one day when you look back upon our story, you'll finally understand why i did what i did.. i can't really explain my faulty actions, but i can say that i did it out of love.. i probably could have delivered it better, tried harder to make us work back then, but i just couldn't.. the answer could only come from your mouth..
boo, i love you, i really do.. and i want to fight for you, but you said some things that made me think if maybe you've indeed found your one.. if you have.. then i'll disappear..
addicted to pain
they say when one door closes, another opens.. what if when another opens, you just haven't finished looking at that closed door? it seems almost like i'm addicted to pain.. so much so that i just couldn't stop myself from feeling pain.. i miss her so much, i just want to share everything that's been going on with her..when i reflect on my life for the past 2 years here, i realized one startling thing, i'm very reluctant to try something new.. i thought maybe i'm old, or because i'm scared to dislocate my shoulder.. but i realized that it's because i don't want to try anything new without her.. i want her to be with me as we're both experiencing that new thing, and then both of us would look at each other, and just feel wow-ed, and then i'd take her into my arms and hug her as we marvel at the new sight..
stupid.. she's already far ahead, not looking behind, moving on with her life, and just living her life.. and i'm still stuck in the netherland.. unwilling to move forward, because if we both move forward, who's going to be here to remember everything that we've been through? all of our memories, all of our world that we've built together.. sitting here right in front of my computer, listening to jason mraz's sleeping to dream, and looking out my window at the citylights, and the cityscape.. i feel like i'm lost in this vast city.. i don't know where my footing is, and i don't know what my stronghold is..
i miss writing like this, and just pouring my heart out to cyberspace.. where no one bothers and no one will ever know.. it feels secure and yet strangely redundant.. but i guess everyone needs an avenue for their problems, and mine is prayer, and blogging.. maybe i've a secret longing that she might stumble upon my blog, and then she would read what i have to write..
i'm sorry for not letting you go.. maybe i've let you go physically, but emotionally, you're still mine.. i'm still holding you tightly in my heart, in my arms.. you said before, that if ever you leave me, i should fight for you, and i'm fighting for you.. i'm really bleeding now.. i feel so destroyed.. i can't even begin to use words to replace what i feel.. rest assured, i will let you go eventually, when that day will be, i don't know.. but i will let you go eventually.. i just can't do it today.. nor tomorrow.. nor the day after..
you mean much more to me than you could ever comprehend.. than i could even explain.. i know i've made terrible mistakes for letting you go, and letting you wait.. but it's not really waiting if you're dating around finding the mr right.. i couldn't even date, couldn't bring myself to allow another girl to replace you.. i know i'm not trying to replace another you, i'm just trying to move on with my life.. but i couldn't do that.. it's too hard.. i just want that girl to be you.. i just want to kiss your pouting lips.. to be the shoulder you lean on when you're tired.. to hug you and carry you home when you wipe your face with your hands.. to help keep your shoulder from twitching.. to blow your nose when you're sneezing.. to take care of you when you're sick..
all these pain, i don't know when i'll be able to let go.. i want to let these all go, but then who'll be here to help keep our grounds? if both of us let go, then won't we be lost? is that what you want? it probably is.. it most likely is..
i hope you're happy.. i hope he's treating you like you deserve to be treated..
i'll be missing you
i couldn't help myself.. i took out our old photo album that you made for us.. i looked at the photos we took together.. how happy we were.. despite our quarrels.. our disagreements.. we knew at the end of the day that we're always there for one another, and that we're in love with one another..boo.. i don't know how to say this.. i really hope i can still bbm or message you, but you're telling me to just let go.. you said you really can't go back.. that it's just not something you want.. i really want to contact you, hear your voice.. i can't let go of you.. boo, you're always my boo.. no one else could even come close to touching the place you have in my heart.. i love you like as if we're the perfect couple in the world.. i know we have problems.. lots of them, but i've tried, and i couldn't imagine life without you..
my heart aches with each passing day, that you're together, and i'm imagining you're already so happy with your boyfriend.. i know you deserve to be happy, but i've always thought and strongly believe that only i could have that affect on you.. and it just kills me when some other guys could do that for you as well.. i think i'm just naive.. i really want to force myself to move on, but i can't imagine my life without boo.. i can't let go of us.. the beautiful memories of us, and what we could build together in the future..
but all these are just words buried deep within my soul, never to be revealed except through the words uttered on these pages.. i had everything planned for end of this year.. for me to surprise you with the rings and all.. but the rings are gone now.. it wrote.. boo and baa.. i love you.. you're always my boo.. always.. i can never shut you out of my life..
heart-pounding
i haven't felt this way for a long time.. i wake up feeling very lost and cold, very alone and dejected, my heart pounding relentlessly like it's fighting for its dear life, my hands cold to the fingertips..i sleep to myself persuading myself everything'll be ok.. usually it takes about 2-3 hours.. and i wake up with that heart pounding experience.. almost like i don't even dare to get up for fear that i'm alone in this world..
i really don't like this feeling.. it makes me very vulnerable.. and it's all too familiar.. why do i have to feel so much even after so long.. why can't i just move on? why's it so hard to let go of something that's not even mine anymore, and doesn't want to be mine anymore..
my fingers are so cold, i can't even type anymore.. there's no running away from this, no running away from this cold cold situation..
lost my boo
have you ever been so sad that you wanted to not think of someone, and you managed to, but only to find yourself asking yourself "why am i trying to not think of her", and then you feel sad that you're not thinking of her, because then she'll be out of your mind, and so you just start thinking of her all over again?well i can safely say i have.. my life's been just so messed up.. i seriously regret doing what i did.. even though i know the reason why, but i just think that at this expense, it's just not worth it.. and now i'm being punished for making that call..
i've lost the only girl who truly gave her heart and soul to me..
i wish i could be given another chance to make it up to her, to make things right.. but now i can't, i've lost her to someone else who definitely is 1,000,000 times better than i am..
throughout this period, i thought about maybe dating other people, but just the thought of her being sad, that i'm dating someone else, just makes me unable to do anything.. i just can't bring myself to do that.. and then i realized that it's simply because i still love her.. i mean why would i care what she thinks if i no longer love her? too little too late..
i planned to surprise her later this year.. bring this year to a happy ending for myself finally.. but i didn't know this was going to happen.. i tried to fight for her.. i wanted to fight for her, because i know she's worth it.. but she asked me to let go, and give my blessings to them.. i will..
i've reached the end of a big chapter in my life.. a huge one.. one that i thought would carry me through the rest of my life.. i think i've made some huge mistakes in trying to think for her.. i've always thought that's what i'm here for, to watch out for her, to make sure we've got each other's backs.. the way i see it, i saw a huge block ahead of us right from the beginning (i guess i should have known better than going in to get myself hurt eventually?) but you know i felt she's different.. and she is.. she's a wonderful, wonderful person.. beautiful, funny, and just what i've always wanted in a girlfriend.. we could do anything together.. we did so many random things like get a cup of lemon tea in the middle of the night, drive all the way to one end of the city just to get a cup of boba.. and i miss her i truly do..
but you know people don't always look at the world using your pentaprism.. sometimes you're the only one looking at it that way.. and even though she may think i'm an asshole and that i'm trying to control way too much aspects of our relationship, i know that's not what i was trying to do.. how could i possibly keep going with her, without raising this as an issue, and when the time comes, i'm just supposed to tell her i'm sorry.. i have to tell her what's going to happen, and to ask her if she's ready to be with me regardless of what happens.. why couldn't she just say the magic words.. "mike, i don't know what's ahead for our future.. but i know one thing.. that i can't live without you, that i really love you, and let the world throw what it has at us, i know we can make it through.." and if she were to say something like that to me, i'd take her hand and take care of her the rest of my life..
but of course life doesn't happen like that. her pentaprism looks at it a different way.. that i should coax her into it, and give her the assurance that i would take care of her regardless what might arise in the future.. it's not that i couldn't.. but is that what she truly wanted? that's what i want her to know, and ask herself.. and the answer hurts.. maybe i wasn't a good enough boyfriend to her, to give her that level of assurance, and love to make her feel safe going through anything with me.. to be honest, i feel worthless..
and then there's the other aspect of it.. i feel that a relationship is granted to us by God, it's a blessing that He gives us to make us feel safe, happy, and loved. it's a type of His love manifested into a partner who could take care of us on His behalf.. i don't think i stewarded my blessing the way He had wanted me to, because when i had her, i didn't pray for her, i didn't raise her up, all i did was just to enjoy each other's presence.. and i really want to change myself, to build my personality and then treat her right.. i've always wanted to find a church that we can both go to, and grow.. i really really wanted that.. and seeing as how i am in this church, and asked by God to stay another year to lead the church, i question myself incessantly.. is this what i was supposed to do? am i giving up too much of my own life, of my own happiness?
i'm trying to fight this feeling.. because i know everything happens for a reason.. and i feel really sad that i've lost her.. i've lost her for good.. i feel like i've lost my "the one", to her "the one".. where does that leave me? =(
today, as i write this entry down, i'm 100% depressed, dejected, hopeless, and i feel like my life's a mess.. i've lost my compass in life.. it's like all these trials and tribulations that i've gone through in church amounts to nothing at all, because here i am feeling so vulnerable.. i keep reminiscing of all the times we spent together.. the drives we used to have, how she would take my parking tickets and keep it in her wallet, how she would hold my hand when we drive, how she would sleep on my shoulder, how she would put her cold hand into my jacket when we walk together, how she would wipe her face with the palms of her hand when she's tired, how we would fall asleep in each other's arms, how she moves away from me when she's totally asleep, how her eyes twitches when she's asleep, how thick her eyebrows were, how she has a moustache even though she's a woman, how she pouts at me, how she's so excited to see me, how she leaves me notes on my car window to tell me how much she loves me, how she smells, how she carries her hair.. i just love her.. and i know i wouldn't be able to find someone like her..
i hate feeling this much, and i know in her mind, things are a lot different than how i view our relationship.. she probably thinks i'm having a lot of fun here without her, enjoying my time, and just living it up.. but i'm here for 1 reason alone, and it is to bless others with what i've been given.. i may not particularly enjoy my life now, she said i'm living a lie.. but i know i'm not.. i'm doing His work, i'm seeking His kingdom and His righteousness now, through this arduous journey of self doubt, and despair.. i still love her though, and i don't blame her for feeling that way.. i'm that into her..
i don't know how i'll be moving on from here on.. i anticipate a lot of lonely nights, in front of the tv..
L-O-V-E
L is for the way you look at meO is for the only one i see
V is very very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore
And love is all that i can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you
looking back through my life.. there's really not much moments which i can proudly shout out to the world and say i've done something to make a difference. with the recent tsunami wave which hit indonesia, it just got me thinking about life. the prediction for the tsunami was originally for california but eventually it hit indonesia.. thousands were dead all of a sudden. i really wonder if the deaths were justified and if the meteorologists had predicted the coming of the tsunamis.. if they did predicted it, then why wasn't anything done to help? there comes a time when it's just not funny anymore and i was really appalled when i learnt that the tsunami was not without warning.. but still nothing was done to help evacuate the people.. just hearing the death toll increase each time i watch tv saddens the heart.. and the people in those hard-hit areas are so poor that they don't even have enough money to buy body bags to dispose of the bodies.. where in the world are the welfare agencies? sigh.. saying all these doesn't make much difference. sometimes i wish someone with authority and power could just step out there and make a difference in these people's lives..
it's really funny how as i grow up, things that i used to think were right became wrong. when i was two years younger, i could almost say for sure that i have bad parents. but now that i think about it.. i realized i was so wrong. there are no parents out there who can beat mine.. the more i think about it, the more i feel their love for me and my sisters.. i look at the world around me and how families are functioning, how many parents out there are actually willing to give up enjoying their lives and scrimping and saving just for their children? why should my parents take budget airlines and carry heavy luggages all the time across countries? why do they have to go all the way to buy goods and then pack them into suitcases and lug them to the airport through the cheapest way possible? if it's not to provide for their children, then i do not know what it is for.. my heart really aches sometimes.. when i see my mother carrying a fake handbag when she could actually afford a real one.. and the best part is she actually doesn't want to get the real one because she thinks the money could be put to better use.. and to what use would that be? it is to us.. it's really easy to get so involved with one's life and just think for oneself and dwell in one's own sorrows but if we just take a moment to get out of ourselves and look at our surroundings.. it's really earth shattering how minute our problems are.. there's really so much to life that i've yet to fully appreciate. a parents' love really transcends all boundaries.. and sometimes they nag or scold but come on.. they're still humans and they still make mistakes.. but just like no matter how many mistakes we may make or how we treat them, they'll still love us and provide for us, we should treat them the same way too.. it's just really easy to forget the importance of your parents when you're always around them. i think living in this world is not just for yourself. often we hear slogans saying live for the moment, do what you really want in life.. rather, my current view of life is that we should be living to make the people around us happy, most importantly our parents, and only when everyone we know around us are happy, will we feel at peace.. i really hope that i will be able to fulfill my dream of sending my parents off to mauritius.. and letting them just enjoy their lives as what they should be doing now.. but right now, i'm just this boy who's spending their money and not contributing..
Happiness..
thinking back... i've never had an entry with pris in which i wrote how happy i was with her... oh well, everything's over now, and it scares me how much i've moved on from those days when i used to cry and be in despair with my state of life. i just got reminded of the past when she emailed me to apologize about whatever that has happened... i felt that it wasn't even her fault to begin with... i've never believed that in a relationship, one party is more right than the other.. usually in arguments, each other's differences are brought out in them and the fact that reconciliation is hard to reach, incompatibility is shown. i just wish her happiness in everything that she does.
hee.. i've yet to know how it is to feel truly loved.. that is until i met her. actually things were not apparent at the beginning. i didn't think i'd fall for her, in fact, i didn't even want to think about her. because i don't want another relationship with a singaporean girl (or malaysian), due to the geographical difference which will eventually segregate us.. however, things just happened between us, we did projects together and shared the workload for a sociology examination, and we talked quite a bit. it's really strange but i could feel a very strong connection between us. although it's not that kind of spiritual or perfect connection, it is still present and is very strong. however, i didn't think that she would have the same feelings back for me just because i felt she's so good, and much better than me. the first inkling i got that she might actually like me was the next morning, when i woke up and saw in front of me, a cup of water and a k bar (muesli bar). i thought it was just placed there since last night and i didn't know it was for me, but after some time of staring at it, i slowly realized that it might after all be for me. it was a really sweet thing she did for me, i don't know but i just felt that she's a really really caring girl. of course there are other things, albeit really small, but significant enough for me to notice, which she did that were really sweet. but that was the first time that i actually dared to think she might actually have feelings for me as well.
ever since then, things just moved along.. and i don't know why but we really experienced lots of ups and downs from our surrounding friends.. sometimes it gets me thinking if they can even be considered friends? .. haiz.. i don't even know why they feel that way towards her, and it's just really sad.. but being with her has made me felt what it is to really have a girlfriend.. although we're not official yet =P and she's really sweet...
didn't think i'd be able to whip out a paragraph like that, feels so mushy, but i guess that's what i've been feeling.. i hope that things work out between the two of us, i don't want another breakup and having to start all over again.. haha.. so yes, this is my first happiness entry about my relationship i guess. feels a bit awkward, though, writing about it.
getting by in USC..
allo~ i'm back again. well just decided to continue with what i had to say previously: i've just joined the church choir too, cause the people there were like asking me to help out in the upcoming program, so i just said yes. which brings me to more shopping because i had to get a suit which is black in color and not gray.. so i went to a shopping outlet at cabazon, which i think is a full 2 hours trip from my place, but my friend wei2 drove us there, in a rented car, an S class mercedes, which is really nice of him. the things there were supposed to be really cheap but as i had expected, it wouldn't be that affordable.. suits there costs minimum 300 bucks, and it's in US dollars.. finally i settled with a CK suit which costs me 199, and i had to buy the pants, plus the shirt, so in total, the whole outfit set me back by about 380 bucks.. oh i forgot the kenneth cole shoes.. can't believe it, but i seem to be shopping branded goods, which i had always thought was unnecessary..
and other than that, i'm in this volunteer program at an elementary school near my place. i thought it would be a really meaningful thing for me to do, but it turned out crap. seriously, i had to wake up at 8 am in the morning just to give out papers to a bunch of parents?.. and the next day, my job is to help out in some Halloween decoration, which i think is meaningful but only to that extent.. i mean i thought i would be teaching some kid or something, and not doing menial job.. but anyways, i spoke to my supervisor and she changed it for me, so tomorrow at 8 am, i'd be helping out in a class of 4th grader i think. hopefully it'll be more meaningful. and while doing my volunteer work, i got to working with some of the parents and i'm really amazed at how positive they are towards life. i don't mean to be degrading but they are really not as upset about their social class status as i had thought them to be. they are in fact stronger and much happier than most elites are. sometimes, i think living in a world where being happy alone is enough would be good.. there's nothing else to think of but what they had to do for the day, and there's no need to worry for tomorrow because tomorrow carries its own worries and there's nothing we can do. haha.. i don't know i just feel at peace sometimes, maybe it's the sight of the children playing at the basketball court.. just running, catching each other, laughing and talking to one another.. i think i kinda missed that sight.. it's been such a long time since i was that age.. when any small insignificant thing can make my day.. and seeing the children enjoying themselves, i couldn't help but smile along.. and one of them was really nice to me, she taught me how to read the alphabets in spanish, haha, it was really tough but i was amazed that the phonetics of the spanish alphabets were the same as bahasa indonesia, except for some alphabets which required two syllables, which of course is weird since alphabets are like the elements of words and should only carry with it one syllable. but nonetheless it was interesting, and the spanish alphabet had two "l"s and no "w". she even gave me some m&m's while she was teaching me how to read haha, it should be the other way around, me being older and all, but she gave me the m&m's. i couldn't help but stop and think: how unselfish they are, how pure their hearts are given that her family is not very rich, she could still afford to give something that she really likes to a stranger whom she sees only once a week.. miracle of children..
hmm let me see other than that, i think i've just been going to class and studying.. this semester, i'm taking sociology, writing, business and geology class.. and i just learnt today that i was waived out from my geology class, so i'm wasting my units.. as in i took a level physics so i needn't take that class.. i was like......... argh, felt like punching something.. and that judith jurek woman, i emailed her and she told me she'd help me out but it's been 3 months and she hasn't even done anything to upload my transfer credit report, so how am i supposed to choose my classes properly? argh.. gonna go talk to her tomorrow.
hmm, i think i'll end off here, have lots more to write down but i have to stop first cause i have a writing essay to do. so that's it.
new layout
hehehehe... finally i've updated my blog!!! argh been such a super duper long time since i did that... and i did not even think of doing it this way, i was just too lazy (or incompetent) to actually create a whole new layout all by myself, so decided to acquire the help of some professionals hehe... anyways, i think it's kinda cheesy, with the whole metal gear picture on the left, haha... but anyways, i'm glad i did the update because now it gives me motivation to write again.
wow, to think of it, i'm now in Los Angeles... can't believe it so much has happened over the past few months, well actually 2 plus, i think... i really miss my friends... gb, des, wein, alexis, ct, ed, jiale, derui, yi, sh, hy, bain.. haiz... it's really been so long since i last saw you guys... wonder how're you ppl doing? ct just passed his birthday like this month i think, still looking for a birthday present for him.. i think since he likes basketball i want to get him something really basketball-ey but i just couldn't find him anything nice as of yet, didn't wish him happy birthday though wanted to make it seem like i forgot hee.. but i need to get his address to do the delivery so i think i'll contact yy to ask her where he stays.
oh man, i just don't know where to begin telling my journey to the west.. hmm.. i'm doing great as of now, have had like 3 bikes, one was schwinn which looked fierce and daunting, but it got stolen, so so much for that.. and then there's the second one, motiv, which was kinda screwed up since it started creaking on me after only 1 week of usage and the seller persistently said it's normal.. and the last one, my mongoose haha.. i know the name sounds lame but hey, it's a good bike, albeit the suspension is not totally a full-bodied one. took photos of my bike too shall post it up real soon so my bike will be on the net. haha.
hmm.. i've joined a church, a bethany one, which has many branches and the one that i go to is the one at west side, i'm not too sure of the address but will put it up once i get it confirmed. the church is really great and the pastors are really caring.. can't wait for my FA to start then at least i can have an opportunity to voice out my thoughts to someone who is of a higher sprituality level than me and hopefully he can enlighten me.. this church is all indonesian and i get to meet lots of indons, which is rare in singapore, but oh well, as with all churches, this one isn't perfect, but i feel comfortable enough.. okay then i shall elaborate more in my next entry, it's kinda late now.